Great thread, I also have a hard time JUST MOVING on. I know some ex JW just seem to let it all go and move on with their lives and will tell me come on its been 5 years now why do you still go to JWN. Yet when I look back at their time here on the board they were on for 5 or 6 years themselves.
Also they do not still have a family memeber in as I do with my husband. Also they did not deal with pedophiles and as I did in the hall. They did not or were never as invovled in the religion as I was. Not that I am bragging in the least, I feel stupid now for being so dumb but these people that tell me to just move on and get over it, they lived a normal life. They had kids, bought homes, had good jobs while they were JW's. I stupidly listened to the faithfull salve and did not have any kids though I would have loved to have had one or two I gave up that dream because the new system was so close that I was going to have kids in the new world so I pioneered as I was told to do. I know that was stupid now but at the time I totally bought into the kool aid and I cannot change that now. So when I see these people with their kids and now grandkids, I just feel this hurt in my gut for what I gave up.
I pioneered and lived on nothing, there were no movies or dinners out, or date nights with my husband, it was waiting in the car for hours while he was in elders meetings, our second year anniversary was spent waiting in the car until 2:00 in the morning while he was in an elders meeting. After that I gave up even trying to have a anniversary with him. Even than it hurt watching the so called normal ones in the hall have time with their husbands but I was told and I believed it so much, that it was what Jehovah wanted from me. I know, I know looking back I was so stupid, I was throwing my life away and I was too blind to see it.
I went to Bethel and took a vow of proverty, and even with all the problems there were at Bethel it was sooooo much better then pioneering that I truly thought Jehovah gave me the chance to go to Bethel as I was so close to suicide pioneering I truly believed that Jehovah gave me an out by letting me come to Bethel. I actually had time with my husband for the very first time in our four year marriage as crazy as the Bethel schedule was it was amazing how much easier it was than pioneering.
Looking back I now see I was totally missed up mentally, there were times I put myself in such danger all because of the religion, by going on calls that were so scarry or being told by the "Brothers" I hate using that turm brothers, but anywho I was told to go to parts of Brooklyn alone as a women without my husband even, places that they would never send their wives but I did it and went alone, places that are truly scarry to be in. I went, I did it, my husband let me because those above us demaned it of us.
I look back at my life, you see I did not wake up until I was 45 years old, I think how could I have been so stupid, but I was, I so bought into the kool aid. I grive now for the children I wish I had, the jobs I gave up, the homes I never had, the money I would have now, years with a husband who would truly be there for me not putting the religion first, the many, many, many nights I sat alone in the car while he was in elders meetings.
When these people tell me to just move on and get over it and I see their lives now and how they did not let the religion in like I did I know they mean well for me but I have so much more to grive over than they do. I know it was all my fault but it does not make the pain any less.
Also when you feel you have to just move on and let it go, it is so easy to go into something else that is destructive when you are coming out if you are not careful. I joined a group of people who I thought and was told that they were going through problems like mine. I thought I found a group of friends that understood me finally untill just a couple of months ago when one of the main ones in the group tried to take my business from me telling me I did not know how to run it right even through I have had my business for over 10 years now and have been running it just fine. She is my best friend in the whole world she informed me and she knows what is good for me, as I am too damaged to because of my past? I was like WHAT! I have been so mad at that and again I have been how could I have been so stupid to allow this to happen yet again. I just did not see it coming and it totally blindsided me because I wanted to move on so badly from the JW's. I now know you have to be so very careful.
I do not know if I will ever get over this. I truly wish I would and could, but JWN gives me a place to come and I am so thankful to Simon for all he has done by having this sight for us. Your thread OTWO is so spot on thank you.
LITS